[Final]

After a long while of thinking, I decided that it would be best to keep my thoughts to myself for a while. Aite, God Bless.

overnOUT

[4.11.09]

Not gonna lie, forgot to write somewhere else.

[4.10.09]

Not gonna lie, forgot to write somewhere else.

[4.09.09]

Written somewhere else.

[4.08.09]

Written somewhere else.

[4.07.09]

Written somewhere else.

[4.06.09]

Written somewhere else.

[4.05.09]

Written somewhere else.

Classifieds [4.04.09]

1. So Friday, the conclusion that I came to after I saw the Jim Elliot video during ACCESS was that we need more strong women. I mean, how crazy is it that after losing all of their husbands and being left to raise up the children by themselves, one of the wives and one of the sisters decided to go continue the mission?

I would assume that after hearing of their husbands demise, they would have cried out to God, frustrated at His hand in the matter. How could such a God let these men die? Men who had laid down their lives to advance His kingdom? Could such a God even exist? If so, how could He be good?

But these women were so strong in their faith, in their shared conviction with their husbands, that they somehow overcame all of the pain and sadness to stand up once again for God's kingdom. Wow.

I don't know, just after watching that, not only was I moved by how God is always faithful, but also just overwhelmed by the strength of these women.

Thought [4.03.09]

1. I have this tendency to slow down near the finish line. When we ran the mile in middle/high school, I would always sprint up to 10 yd from the end and I would give out, slowing down as I crossed the finish line.

This is what I thought about when P. Andrew was telling us how we have to end strong. I realize that way too often, I put a finish line in my race for Christ, even when there isn't one. I mean, there is only one end to the race and that would probably be my death. But for some reason, I'm so apt to sectioning off my spiritual life with my academic one. And as I near these false "ends", I slow down, just waiting for me to jog over the finish line.

So, I've been reminded that I should run as hard as I can until I'm past the finish line and so that even if I section off my life, my strong end will turn into a strong beginning of the next section.

2. Sometimes we just need to be still and know that God is God.

3. Love. Investment. Faith. Enjoyment.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! [4.02.09]

That was like an, "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! I am triumphant!!!" kinda thing.

Got my math exam score back. PASSED! wooots! God is good (all the time). Makes the struggle a little bit more worth it.

Math 454 and I have one more tango left. Hopefully, that time, I will lead...

Reflection [4.01.09]

1. Today in LG, we were talking about the house built upon the rock vs. the house built upon the sand. While talking about how we could differentiate people's foundations, someone said that you can see how they respond when faced with a storm.

Seeing as how I'm going through a storm right now, I don't think my actions really point towards the solid foundation. All I do is complain about the situation and try to muscle through it. Maybe He's just teaching me real surrender. The one that comes after I've tired myself by endlessly running into the same wall. The kind where I finally just turn and ask Him and He points me to the door in the wall.

Yes, I can weather the storm, but not by my own strength. I really need to be able to differentiate and be honest about it.

2. Sometimes I just need the biggest doses of my own medicine.

-Maybe it's time to start blogging about those thoughts I had in reserve.

AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! [3.31.09]

That was battle cry "AHHHHHHHH!!!!", not a pansy girl "AHHHHHHHH!!!!".

When times get tough, it's time to man up.

"You are stronger, YOU ARE STRONGER.
Sin is broken. YOU HAVE SAVED ME."

Be Joyful Always [3.30.09]

During a time when I was feeling overwhelmed, this was the verse that popped into my head.
I feel like it's on of the ones that the Korean church loves: 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18.

During a time when the most unnatural thing to do is to be joyful and pray, it's reminded me that in these moments, I probably need to be joyful and pray the most.

So despite all of these feelings of regret at wasting the most precious commodity, I will rejoice. For this is the day, this is the day (that the Lord had made, that the Lord has made) I will rejoice, I WILL REJOICE and be glad in it.

Gosh I love all of these old songs. Ironic how I can now start to grasp the meanings of songs that are taught to 7 year olds.

One Day Horizon [3.29.09]

Sigh, I have degenerated to the one day horizon.
It takes so much time, discipline, and efficiency to get it back up.

Let's do it...

Unloaded [3.28.09]

After unleashing and unloading all my thoughts here, my brain has run dry. Actually, more like, it's tired. It doesn't want to spend time generating thoughts and handling them until I let them out here. So until I'm less busy, I don' t think that the crazy long thought entries are going to be too consistent.

It's enough work trying to put the truths that I do know into action.

-Sam

Ooops [3.27.09]

Today was one of those, "I woke up so late that I missed all of my classes" kinda day.

Turned in homework, which was later than late, then worked on some stuff, met up with someone, then hung out with LG.

IT WAS AWESOME. Totally made up for being SWAMPED the other day. Putt putt, then batting cages, then arcade. Then we watched "What happens in Vegas" while eating McDonalds.

1. I realized how selfish I can be. Like, I value sleep over my time of prayer or even commitments that I've made. In that moment, I choose my weariness over something of significantly greater value. I believe that we have to be good stewards of our health, but at the same time, I have to be willing to sacrifice it FTG.

2. I've decided not to be awkward. I've made a decision to talk to those people whom you only kind of know but make eye contact with or share and awkward elevator ride together. I mean, what's the harm? In fact, awkwardness only perpetuates itself, as it sets the precedent for the next time. It's one of the hardest things for me, because I get rigid fearing the awkward silence that may occur. Bleh.

3. Haven't been thinking as much as I should be.

overnOUT

Rushed [3.26.09]

Today boils down to 5 hours of sleep, Math 425 midterm, EGL meet up, Stump the Pastor, homework.

I'll be OVERWHELMED till Tuesday. Pray for me please ㅠ-ㅠ

Crap [3.25.09]

So I missed a day.

Yesterday: Classes > Meijer > LG > Study > Broomball > Study > Found out there was a fire at West Quad and had Joon sleep over

I am not adequately prepared for this exam. CRAP.

Creative Title [3.24.09]

1.Today was the most draining day I've had in a while.
Also, best shower I've had in a while.

2. I think I'll come up with real titles now. I'll occasionally have the "Thoughts" title, but I think if every single one is the same, there's no differentiation between the posts besides the date. This being said, I'll still date them.

3. Have you ever tried worshipping/singing praise with a smile? It changes the entire dynamic of the song. Sometimes, those desperate cries turn into joyous smile as we realize the redemption that awaits us. It's great.

-Worn out like your favorite pair of socks.

Thoughts [3.23.09]

1. Whenever one of the pastors talk about offerings, I think of 2 Corinthians 8. It talks about the Macedonian church, for whom "their overflowing joy and their extreme poverty welled up in rich generosity". I mean that's awesome, to be able to give even in when poor, but the next line adds even more emphasis on the awesomeness of their actions: "For I testify that they gave as much as they were able, and even beyond their ability."

That "even beyond their ability part" just gets me. Yeah I give, but have I ever given beyond my ability? I was recently reading a book where a woman donates a piece of medical machinery to a missionary. Later the missionary finds out that she took out a loan which took her two years to pay back. Stuff like that gets to me. It reminds me how selfish I am and how attached to money I am.

Seriously, in this economic climate, we have the potential to be like the Macedonian church, to be stuck in poverty (relative to before). But with that poverty comes the chance to be awesome: to give beyond our ability.

2. The second part that is so cool is that the church actually asked Paul if they could give to him. They took the initiative and had the desire to advance the kingdom in that way, without any prompting from others. Isn't that... unworldly?

-Let's show up the Macedonian church

Thoughts [3.22.09]

1. I love RT. I don't remember ever laughing so much in one day.

2. Do you guys remember what praise and worship was like when we were freshman? Do you remember walking into ACCESS or Sunday celebration and just feeling the charged atmosphere? Or the excitement that came with hosting the Holy Spirit? Do you remember seeing JSA bouncing up and down in the front row and hearing the cheers and cries of desperation or joy?

I mean, I hope you do. I hope it wasn't just me. I owe a lot to that worship. I learned that I can be free with my worship. I learned what a joy it was to cry out with my brothers and sisters. God helped me to get past my insecurities, giving me the confidence and abandon to go all out (although now I sing too loudly perhaps..).

But this semester, it's been a little dry, no? At least, relatively. And I was wondering what was "wrong" or what was different. Why weren't we pumped? Why weren't we overjoyed? Why were we so hesitant and reluctant to give it our all? I mean, whose fault was it!?

Hehe, and then it hit me like it always does. It's our fault! Argh! How could I be so foolish? We can't rely on the JSA's, Gabe Pak's, and Dom's of this world for our own worship! We cannot forever be freshmen riding on the coattails of our seniors. One day we're gonna look to the front and the upperclassmen won't be there.

So let us take a stand. The buck stops with us! Let us bring about a new fresh wave of worship and excitement. Of jubilation and praise! Of desparation and repentance! Let us take on the mantle and give God the glory with everything that we've got (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rSCE8uLuTJY).

The ball's on your court. What are you gonna do with it?

Thoughts [3.21.09]

1. I really like playing sports now. I don't care if I suck, I like learning. It's fun. Sometimes I need to remind myself to make up for everything by playing with all I got, but...I like to give up too easy.
-.-;;

Today was: play football, watch basketball, watch baseball, play basketball, run routes for football.

All in all, pretty productive. Productive and also the most sore that I have ever been in my life. Can't wait till tomorrow morning. ^^

2. Blog name used to be "Baejje" cuz I thought it meant "Spill your guts", but I found out that's not what it means. So we're going to Reflection Eternal, because Blackstar is awesome and this blog is mostly just my reflections anyway.

3. Heartbroken to see Michigan lose, but seeing Korea pound Venezuela into the ground made me feel a little better.

-Can't wait for tomorrow's soreness

Thoughts [3.20.09]

1. I've been really happy recently. Wait, maybe joyful is more like it. Or perhaps positive?

2. No matter how much I struggle, no matter how many times my hand slips away, no matter how many times I turn away, He never lets go. When I'm happy and forget about Him, He's still there. When I'm beating at my chest and cursing the heavens, He's still there. When I'm broken and have given up, He's still there. What a wonderful God we have.

3. Just reminded of the Renovation: Mind series. I need to remember to filter what I let enter my mind. Whether it be images of excessively physically attractive women, blood guts and gore, or the temptations of the world, let's be sure to filter things out so that our minds may be pure and our thoughts pleasing to God.

4. If I had read this post a year ago, I would ask my future me why I only focused on "spiritual" issues when I write rather than just everything on my mind. Then I realized that this is predominately the stuff that does go on in my mind. Hallelujah, maybe I just leveled up.

-Amazed by the God we serve

Encouragement [3.19.09]

God loves sinners like me.

Thoughts [3.18.09]

1. One thing that I don't like is when people complain. I know I complain a lot, but bear with me for a moment. I don't like when people complain about authority and how the authority has to step it up. All these people want is to relieve themselves of any responsibility of their own actions and want to be spoon fed. When exams are hard, they blame the professors instead of working harder. When they burn themselves on hot coffee, they sue McDonald's. When the percentage of HIV increases in DC, they turn to the government to remedy this problem.

Do you realize that you have the power to make changes in your life? Do you realize that the government is not responsible for these problems? Yes, yes, I know, in some instances, the authority does have responsibility and yes, with government action, some of these problems can be lessened. But I feel that a majority of the time, we fail to take responsibility for our own actions or we want change and improvements spoon fed to us. We don't want to study harder instead we want easier exams kinda thing, ya dig?

Let's stop it. Let's own up to our responsibilities and make a conscious choice to improve or to solve the problems at hand. Let's stop blaming others (reactive system) and instead generate solutions.

2. Ich habe sehr Hausaufgaben.

overnOUT

Valid Reason + New Hunger [3.17.09]

1. When people asked me why I worked out, I would give them a cop out answer: Body is a temple and I must keep it healthy + must be a good steward of my health. It's true, but that wasn't really my reason. I don't think I had a legit reason, but I refused to believe it was due to my insecurities about my "image". Slowly, but surely, I've found a better reason.

See, working out helps me develop discipline. It builds this mentality where I have to persevere physically. Oddly enough, this discipline and mentality have trickled into my spiritual life. It reminds me that I can't just give up or take the easy way out. That I have to stick it through, even if it burns. It reminds me that I must persevere. I look at [mucho awesome wrestler] and when I see his iron-like mental perseverance, where pain is nothing and gains are everything, I get so amazed. I want that. I want the ability to stop being a wimp and stop complaining. I want to be able to say that I have a God so strong that nothing is going to take me down. That's why I work out.

P.S. It does have physical benefits though; I do feel more energetic.

2. As much as working out and these physical things have affected my spiritual life and my outlook, I think it has worked its way back. In our spiritual lives, the first thing that happens is that we realize that we are sinners, utterly lost mortals only able to depend upon the grace of God. As we accept this and turn to God, we live the rest of our lives struggling against our sinful nature, trying to please God in every way.

Ironically enough, this has impacted my perspective about basketball. Today, I played a random 3 vs 3 and I realized how much I sucked. I didn't know what to do without the ball nor did I know what to do with the ball. As the game ended, I realized that no matter how much I practice on my own, I need to develop a working knowledge of basketball. Extra oddly enough, I played another game tonight. It was a 5 on 5 and I realized once again, how much I stink and how much I didn't develop motor skills during my younger years. But when I left the IM building, I was filled at disgust with myself: The good players were panting and dead tired, but I was barely breathing hard. If I'm so bad, I should be playing harder! I was so disappointed in myself. Just like any other sport, I should be giving it everything to make up for my lack of skill.

So now, it's operation basketball. To not be such a freaking awkward engineer. gosh.

3. I look down on people with regards to how they look. This Indian kid looked like a nerd, so I chose to guard him. He completely [blank]ed me. In every possible way. I need someone to pop my bigheadedness. Where's a Frontline girl when you need one? XD

overnOUT

Thoughts [3.16.09]

I'll share some of the thoughts I had in reserve, cuz I'm too flustered to think right now.

1. Growing up as the fat kid with a wicked tongue yet a hopelessly romantic heart, I had a lot of ideas about what beauty was. Obviously, it wasn't all about the physical, in fact, only a small part of it dealt with physical beauty. I mean, look at the word, physical beauty inherently means that physical is just a subset of absolute beauty.

I never thought of it as being a reflection of God's moral excellence, but I just expected that when I would see true beauty, there would be a soft, radiant glow from whatever person that came from their actions, dispositions, and character. Kind of like that quiet elegance that Japanese women seem to radiate.

However, this beauty was exclusive. There were a select few who would be able to meet these criteria. It was the pinnacle of any sort of appeal.

And then it hit me recently that I've never really applied these grandiose ideals to myself. I've always been too preoccupied with my physical appearance and my physical flaws. But it's time to take some of my own advice. Maybe we'll strive for moral excellence. Or maybe just a kindness and love that flows from the innermost of my being.

2. I need to take lots of all my different kinds of medicine.

overnOUT

Thoughts [3.15.09]

Pi day is now gone.

1. I realized that one aspect of pride I have yet to get over is Asian Pride. Not like, "Yay Korea, go Asia!" I'm talking about the pride that is the consequence of our hierarchical social structure. You know, where respect is received from those under (younger than) you and given to those above (older than) you. I guess in some ways, it has its pros relative to the individualistic Western culture, where we demand respect from everyone.

I guess it just peeves me in a way when younger people treat me like....their friend? That sounds bad, but sometimes when they joke around with me, there's that moment when I feel like, "wait. who do you think I am? I'm your "형/오빠/elder"" Man, so many levels of pride to face. And especially when I think about how I treat my elders sometimes, as I kind of cross over the line, even while respecting them, makes me see how much of a double standard I hold. Although... I would watch my words a little more than some of these guys do.

Is it just a cultural thing that's embedded in me? How do I get it out? Should I get it out? I mean, with that hierarchical structure also comes that feeling that I have a responsibility towards the younger kids. Do I have to keep that and throw out this pride? Aren't they related in some way?
Sigh. Tough issue.

2. Crazy thought that occurred to me during the conclusion of thought 1. Maybe, just as Samson was absolute strength and Solomon was absolute wisdom, Jesus was absolute humility. I mean, looking at his human side. I dunno, I just thought it sounded cool.

3. I guess humility is also more multifaceted than I thought. Guess that makes sense since pride is so multifaceted.

overnOUT

Thoughts [3.14.09]

Just a reminder, today was pi day.

1. Football is fun. I have a tendency to get hurt because I get reckless. Why? Because I suck, and so if I don't make it up with reckless, I would be even more horrible. So I throw my uncoordinated and awkward body into the fray with one mission: to take down that sack of meat that is about to throw the ball. But I never accomplished that goal, sigh.

I wish I could throw myself into loving and serving God with that same reckless abandon. Just as in the case of football, my spirituality isn't really up to par either. I wonder if I'll come out with that same satisfaction I had today. The satisfaction that comes with knowing that I gave it almost my all, even if the results weren't satisfactory. The satisfaction that comes with being spent. lol. And the great thing is, He can use my efforts to produce satisfactory results. hehe.

2. I can understand what the pastors are talking about when they say that our church has "gone downhill" a little. I mean, just imagining the initial church planting team, with every single member intent only on achieving one mission and members coming to know this passion first hand, how could that church not be awesome? I guess what happens is as we get breadth, it's really easy to lose depth. There's not enough time for 1v1's and with those who are completely committed, you get those who are not all in. How crazy would HMCC be if we were all as passionate as the initial church planting team? Mad crazy.

We'll keep it short today. ^^

-Sam

Thoughts [3.13.09]

1. Most of the time, I approach ACCESS and Sunday service with the mentality that it's gonna be just another normal ACCESS/Sunday service. You know, the ones that aren't New Encounter, Easter, or Mission Sunday. However, today I realized that if you think about it, there's nothing normal about these days EVER. Think about it, the supreme ruler and creator of the universe is going to hang out with us for a couple hours. A three-O God (omniscient, omnipotent, omnibenevolent) is going to send His Spirit down to us and his presence is going to saturate us. He's going to make His presence with us, on earth.

How is that normal in any way? It encouraged me to be excited for every ACCESS, MP, prayer gathering, Sunday service, etc. Isn't that amazing?

2. "The harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few." I admit that a significant reason for this is that there are people who are just unaware that the harvest is overflowing and people who don't know Jesus. However, looking at my life, I've realized that many times, the workers know that the harvest is plenty, but they just don't want to work. We just don't want to get down and dirty, nor do we want to sweat and work hard, and we don't feel the need to attend to the fields.

Maybe we should focus on getting the workers that we do have to actually go do work, instead of standing around idly. They say the campus is our mission field. Even today, with all of the people who were actually receptive about the Day of No Freedom, just reminded me that if we could just be better witnesses, there would be floods of people coming to know Christ. It's just a shame that I don't put my hands to the plow and go work. It's a shame that my actions show that I don't really belive in a God who will help me be strong and courageous.

So who's up for some cold evangelism/building relationships with strangers?

3. The first line of "Lifesong" may be one of my most favorite lines ever. I might have already shared, but since it's my favorite, it can be shared again: "Empty hands held high, such small sacrifice. If not joined with my life, I sing in vain tonight." What a great reminder that if my life and my words/thoughts don't match, it's all in vain. It's just another reminder that coming to church and lifting up our hands and our voices is such a small sacrifice compared to what Jesus wants from our lives.

It reminds me that worship songs are not just songs. If we really wanted to sing that badly, we could just go NRB! But I have to remember, that these songs are worship and praise that we are lifting up to our God. Not just empty words, but words that encompass our experiences and emotions that we've experienced in our relationship with Him.

Yeah. I love that line.

overnOUT

Thoughts [3.12.09]

1. So, recently just as I've been learning a lot, there's been one lesson that has stood out among the rest. That lesson is God's grace. Through exploring it, I've realized that there's not enough of His grace in my life, especially towards others. I've realized I have a tendency to be hard on people, to point out their flaws and push them to change. But the problem is..that..I ...lack wisdom. -.-;; Sometimes, we just need to be able to accept people with grace.

Don't get me wrong. We still have to be real. We still have to love people so much that we'd be willing to sacrifice the relationship in order to tell them the truth/help them out. But, there are sometimes, where the gentle love of Jesus works a lot better than the harsh words of rebuke.

*Someone pointed out that often it's how we say it that is important.

1.5. I wish everyone could suck it up though. =X

2. Wisdom is so crucial. I think this is especially the case in Christianity. The problem is that in Christianity, there's so many issues where there's no hardline, straight up answers. There are so many gray areas where answers aren't clear. When they're not wrong, but they're not exactly right either. There are so many beginnings to slippery slopes.

I can see now why Prayer Driven Life had a section about how God wants to flood us with wisdom. Wisdom is the deciding factor in turning good motives to good outcomes.

3. Today I was so discouraged. Looking at all of these internship positions, I realized how underqualified I am. In a way, it's just my payment for not doing anything in high school and ...even here. A lot of the requirements have a clause something along the lines of: "Desire to learn". But, that doesn't really matter. If you don't have the other qualifications, such as the experience or previous knowledge, it doesn't matter how great your desire is to learn, you're not gonna get the job.

Then I juxtaposed this to Christianity. Then I smiled because in Christianity, it's not about your job experience, qualifications, abilities or previous knowledge, but! the "desire to learn" has a lot heavier weight. I'm so happy that by God's standards, I'm not completely underqualified because I at least have the desire to learn. ^^

Then after all this bitterness, I realized how prideful, selfish I was being. How can I expect to build job experience if I don't seek after the lower level jobs to build up my foundation? Or even volunteering at some of these engineering labs. I'm so high and mighty that not only do I think I deserve stimulating, rewarding, helpful jobs, but also a high paying one. One of my friends was talking about how he might do volunteer research and how he's building up his network by proactively engaging his target community and then I just felt like a fool.

But it ends TODAY! I'm gonna take the first step of MPS-6 (also my favorite): Engage!

overnOUT

Thoughts [3.11.09]

Some insight I gained from LG:

1. We always have to be on guard to make sure we're not being complacent. So many times, we are unaware of our complacency. These are some questions we can ask ourselves:

A. What are you doing with the blessings God has given you?
Has there been fruit or some sort of dividend?
B. Are you making the best of your time: inquiring after, preparing for, investing in, or partaking in your calling?
C. What are you doing with your time? Your energy?
D. What are you thinking about?
E. What are you striving after?

I think it takes a lot of humility to admit the possibility of being complacent, and then even more to put down our pride and evaluate our lives. Makes me realize how alive I am, as in how much I don't die to myself. It also makes me realize how much I still value the temporal things of this world.

I want to err on the side of destitution, not out of a desire to please God with works alone, but so I can guard against complacency. To go without yet be content. Even so, my life is filled with complacency, with the type of comfort we're supposed to guard against, still so much self centered pleasure. Sometimes I (selfishly) wish that it was a heckuvalot easier.

2. More and more, I look at these people in the Bible that are supposed to be the "bad guys". We study about what they are doing wrong, how they have the most crooked of intentions and warped perspectives of God. We evaluate their pride and inability to comprehend who Jesus really is. We condemn their hypocritical actions with righteous fury.

Then we realize, not only do these people represent us, but in many cases, we're worse than they are.

3. I love inductive Bible study.

4. Thought that came to me as I reflected: "Christians have spectacular thoughts and grandiose ideas, but only normal lives."

overnOUT

Thoughts [3.10.09]

1. Let us burn again: "Holy fire from heaven, fall on us we pray, let us burn again." You know, like freshman year 1st semester, when Harvest, college, and having a real relationship with Him was so new. So FRESH. Burn again, like freshman year prayer gatherings. Burn again, like AMI revolution. Burn again, like past missions and retreats. Let us burn again! But also, let us burn for all of our days.

2. I've decided upon an image for myself in this race for Christ. I'm... the fat kid. You know, the one that's huffing and puffing when he's on the first lap of twenty. The one who's sweating bullets and resembles a large plum due to the odd hue of his skin. The one who's hopeless, out of place, and in way over his head.

But you know what? I'm gonna finish. After all of the competitors and spectators have gone home and the race is over, I'm gonna put one foot in front of the other until I cross the finish line. I'm gonna struggle against the weight of my body and the weight of the tiredness tearing away at my bones. I'm gonna bear the cramps that stabb javelins through my sides and fight for every mouthful of air.

And as I crawl my way across the finish line, a weathered hand will gently lift up my head. I'll look up to see a camera crew rushing up to meet me, exclaiming about some "interview with the winner". Confounded, I'll sputter out a couple of incoherent questions. They'll answer me, telling me that I won, that my substitute already ran the race 3 days ago and that I was already the international champ. Amazed, I'll look around for the man who lifted my head up.

And then, softly whispered into my ears, I'll hear the sweetest words I'll ever hear, "Well done, good and faithful servant." And all will be good.

*This is a declaration of intent, not an arrogant proclamation.

Thoughts [3.09.09]

1. God's purification is not color safe bleach. It does not exclude areas of your life that you wish to keep as they were. God's work in you is like straight up bleach. Every part of your life, whether you like it or not, will be affected by God's purification and in the end, He will have worked to scourge every dark corner of your life of yourself so that you can be as white as snow.

At least, this is how it should be if we let God do His full work in our lives. Admittedly, we tend to guard those colored spots of our lives till our last breath, literally.

2. "And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to Him must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who earnestly seek Him." Hebrews 11:6. I look at this I what I see is that faith is the springboard into your relationship with God. Without faith, you can't possibly start.

And then later on, it says that love is the greatest out of faith, hope, and love. Meaning that faith leads us into this relationship with God, from whence we can learn to love, which is even greater than the initial step, the springboard of faith.

3. Lent is also something of a springboard, I think. Especially in cases where we give up things that aren't helpful to our growth as Christians, I think we should consider continuing in giving them up after lent. Like wasting time playing games. Maybe I should consider continuing to greatly reduce that time that could be used for more constructive means. I just feel like sometimes we give up bad habits, but go right back to them after forty days. Where's the sense in that?

3 thoughts should be enough.
overnOUT

Thoughts [3.08.09]

Just a disclaimer: I filled two little note pages on my phone of thoughts, so there are plenty of thoughts to come. I'll try to portion them so my entries aren't monstrous.

1. Actualized faith shows through our tangible actions.

"After consulting the people, Jehoshaphat appointed men to sing to the Lord and to praise him for the splendor of his holiness as they went out at the head of the army, saying 'Give thanks to the Lord, for his love endures forever.'"
-2 Chronicles 20:31

The context of this verse is that the Lord promises Jehoshaphat victory; the prophet says in v.17: "You will not have to fight this battle. Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the Lord will give you."

What is so amazing here is that King J appoints non-military personnel at the frontlines of his army. Yes, in history there have often times been some sort of drummer, or bugle blower, but rarely are they on the frontlines, and never do they exclusively make up the frontline. But King J, trusting so fully in the Lord, shows his faith by putting these singers at the head of his army. Do you see how impractical it is? I mean, if they get attacked, they're screwed!!! (Sorry, it just blows my mind)

But what we see is that King J shows his faith in his tangible actions. That is, his actions reflect how fully he trusts in God. Personally, I think that's amazing. Many times, we profess faith, but our actions show that we prefer to rely on our own wisdom, or the world's wisdom, rarely do they reflect faith such as this.

The result? God is true to his word. The different armies against them end up ambushing themselves: The Ammonites and Moabites together accidentally jump the men from Mount Seir, and in the aftermath, they end up demolishing one another. The men of Judah win with nothing but singing and praise and end up with too much plunder to haul back. Amazing

2. I guess to go along with this, I always try to check to see if what I'm doing backs up what I'm saying. Especially with tangible things, like offering or daily QT time. As everyone + their mother knows, I like to talk a lot. But do I back it up? One day, hopefully, my life will be my witness, not only my words. As my father so eloquently put it, "Faith is not the confession of the lips, but a confession of our lives." That's on the money.

3. Speaking of money, I think one example of how we should live our lives is being "all-in", like in poker. So, if you are not familiar with this all-in concept, it refers to a situation in which you bet every single chip (dollar), on one decision. You may believe you have the best cards, or that the opponent will be too scared to call your bet.

The reason that this resonates well with me is for a couple of reasons:

A. When you're all-in, if your opponent calls you and you win, you're at a point where you can reap the greatest amount of reward. I think this is obvious too. The more you invest as a Christian, the greater amount of blessings you can receive, understand, and appreciate. The more you search for who God is, the greater He becomes. And when we're all-in, then we're in the best possible to max out every benefit of knowing Jesus.

B. Being all-in shows a level of confidence and commitment in your belief. This scares your opponent and it will scare Satan. Even if you leave one chip, (unless you're just being uber strategic and making them wanna call you) your opponent will see it as a sign of doubt and know that there's a possibility to beat you and shake you. When Satan sees someone who leaves one chip, I'm sure that he knows that he can go and shake, tempt, and eventually cause a rift in that person's relationship with God. But when we are all-in, I think even Satan will be scared. Maybe he'll try harder to cause a rift, but only because he's that much more scared.

C. If what we believe in turns out to be wrong, we should be completely screwed. In an all-in, if you're wrong and you lose, you lose all of your money. In the same way, you should live your life so that if Christianity is wrong, your life was completely wasted/lost. Think about it, planting a church, dedicating time for reading and prayer, evangelizing, trying to love God by obeying his commands, all of these things are pointless if we are wrong.

Obviously, I do not believe in any way that we are wrong about Christianity. However, it should be apparent to us, what is at stake; that in fact, everything should be at stake. Bottom line is: If this one belief I have invested everything in falls through, then I should be completely and utterly screwed. i.e. if Jesus is not who the Bible says he is, my life crumbles.

(Flaw in this example is that sometimes, living for Christ can help us be successful in the eyes of the world as well/we can be in positions where we are living for Christ nevertheless God is blessing us with worldly things, maybe we can consider this as a sidepot)

Wow that was a lot longer than I thought it would be. lol, I do try to leave the lengthier points for later, so that you can read the most points in the shortest amount of time.

overnOUT

Thoughts [3.07.09]

1. Went to the Indonesian Cultural Show today. It was dorky, yet fun. When I was in the midst of a crowd of people, unable to understand one word of the conversations around me, it hit me. I realized how hard it is going to be. I can't even figure out where one word ends and another starts. So I better start learning Bahassa Indonesian now. Even today, when I was lifting at the gym, I tried to count in Indonesian. Lol, it's all about starting with baby steps.

2. Had a fun time today hanging out with the older people, hanging out with the guys by shooting pool, then having some enlightening conversations with Eunil, Brian, Wooseok, Alex, and Deanna. It was encouraging to see how deeply everyone thinks and even the depth and breadth of questions we have. Unfortunately it's 5:55 am now after all that talking. Yet, I think it was well worth it. It would be awesome to have more of these.

One of the bible verses that left a mark one me: "If there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy, meditate on these things" Phillipians 4:8b (not NIV). It encourages me to think and ponder about heavenly truths and about my faith. It reminds me about the Renovation series we had in the summer, when I realized that there aren't enough good thoughts that fill my mind.

3. Something that I've realized recently is that I'm really afraid of being judged. It's come about due to some recent events and it's been to the point where I just wanna avoid some people cuz I feel like I would be judged. I realized that it's probably from Satan and that he really uses this to his advantage. So I have been trying to fight it, this desire to be isolated. Part of me wanting not to be judged is my pride, to not have people think badly of me.

I'm so afraid of being judged that I just have this canned rebuttal waiting for when they confront me. The problem is that they don't have to confront me, and they can just sit there judging me without ever knowing my explanations. Maybe I'm just being cynical and underestimating people, but that comes from me knowing that I would be likely to judge if I was in their shoes.

My head hurts too much and I can't type straight.
overnOUT

Thoughts [3.06.09]

Just got back from prayer gathering. Not coherent enough to write.
Prayer gathering was awesome though.
____________________________________________________

Song of the Moment [Throwback]:

In His time, In His Time
He makes all things beautiful in His time.
Lord please show me every day
As your teaching me Your way
That You do just what You say
In Your time.

In Your time, In Your Time
You make all things beautiful in Your time.
Lord my life to You I bring
May each song I have to sing
Be to you a lovely thing
In Your time.

-In His Time

주님의 시간에 주의 뜻 이뤄지리 기다려
하루하루 살동안 주님 인도하시니
주 뜻 이룰때까지 기다려

기다려 기다려 주의 뜻 이뤄지리 기다려
주의 뜻 이뤄질 때 우리들의 모든 것
아름답게 변하리 기다려

-주님의 시간에

Thoughts [3.05.09]

1. Usually, whenever I get to prayer gathering I'm tired. I trudge in, hoping that God will somehow refill me. Kinda like Abbie said, I tend to reflect on my weaknesses, shortcomings, and tiredness. Yeah, I kinda look up in search for rest and strength, but that's about it. Funny thing is, I usually walk out relaxed, empowered, and inspired.

I love prayer gatherings. Too bad I don't remember His faithfulness on a regular basis. Let's try harder.

2. I realized during prayer gathering that I tend to judge who is worthy of the gospel. Actually, it's more like, I judge to see if it's worth sharing the gospel with certain people. I look at them and determine that they have an extremely low chance of accepting it, so I don't even try.

Like with my party friends, I don't share. Why? Cuz inherently I think that the joy God provides is less than the shallow pleasure provided by partying. I don't think that my friends would give it up in order to live a "boring, upright life".

I don't share with my smart friends. Why? Cuz I think that they're too intellectual and that they'll tend to scientifically and logically dissect God and walk away unconvinced. I don't think that they would give in to an "irrational, faith-based life".

Is my gospel really that bland? Is it really that unworthy? Is it really that exclusive and limited?
I was humbled as I realized that I'm just here to sow the seeds, to throw them as wide and far as I can without discrimination. God will cultivate them as He sees fit. Who am I to judge what soil is good or bad? I will stop playing God. I cannot pick and choose.

3. Something else I was humbled by was my attitude towards those who I call my "brothers" and "sisters". It's awful how we have this bystander mentality. We just watch and do nothing as those around us struggle or fall away. I don't know whether it's selfishness or apathy or what it is, but it is not who God wants us to be. It's not what we say; we pray all the time that we would be united and journey on this narrow path together. But our actions speak so differently.

In our classes or in our life groups. The fringe members who fall away. The friend that's going through tough times (do I even deserve to call myself a friend?). We just watch. What the eff is wrong with us? wrong with me...

Let's take a stand.

4. Last two entries add up to this:

Realization. Repentance. Redirection. Redemption.

I have seen my mistakes. I put them at the cross. I will change my attitude and actions. The rest is up to God.

overnOUT

puzzle.

The lack of a singular vision enhancing plastic disk is the supreme name in a cellphone.

Thoughts [3.04.09]

주님 뜻대로 살기로 했네 뒤돌아 서지 안겠네
I have decided to live for God's will, there is no turning back.

Thoughts [3.03.09]

Prelude to the real heavy duty thoughts: My titles are boring, yet my entries are not cohesive enough to merit a single, entertaining headline. Sigh.

1. FML? I like the site, but I don't like the idea. Who said it's your life to fuck? What a prideful, arrogant thing to say? It just reminds me that I can't change one hair from black to white, or add a cubit to my stature (as much as I would love to). Who says that your life is in a position so bad that you'd like to "fuck your life"? I know a lot of other people whose lives are truly fucked beyond the almost trivial blips we complain about in our lives.

2. I realized how hard it is for me to curse now. Even after reading what I typed, the eff word looks so harsh and ugly. How I have changed from the youth that spat out words that would make a sailor cringe.

2.5 I changed the f word to f**k, but then changed it back for literary emphasis.

3. I've recently just realized more of what it means to give up our lives for Jesus. To me, it means something that people might consider extreme, after all, we are giving up our lives. It means, that the old me and the new me should not and cannot coexist with one another any more. It really means, "so long self" (a good song by MercyMe).

It means that the way I live should be radical and purposeful. It means that I can't just be the lazy, procrastinating slacker that I always was. It's almost analogous to getting into shape. All of those miracle pills, "5 minute machines", or crazy ab machines aren't going to get you into shape, or at least not with lasting, genuine results. It requires a change of lifestyle. It requires a change of perspective. And that's what people are talking about when they talk about transformation.

As someone who was "born into" the faith, I can see why we're so unlikely to do so. We've grown up with the idea that we should be transformed and new, but we haven't seen it in the lives of others, so we've grown content with living our old lives, but with the addition of 25 minutes of prayer a week. It's analogous to eating a Big Mac, Chipotle burrito, a Blimpy burger, and a cheese cake and then ordering a diet coke. But more than just working out, or eating one healthy meal, it has to be a consistent, daily effort.

overnOUT

More of a regular journal entry: [3.02.09]

Today was the first day of classes after spring break. It is really hard to get back into the swing of things.

My brain isn't functioning yet. Kinda like my physical strength, my mental perseverance and endurance deteriorates with lack of use. Plus it doesn't help that I'm trying to study things like applied partial differential equations with fourier series and boundary values. >.<

Currently I am reading an autobiography of a blind pastor and it is filled with some amazing things. His life is just another example of how faithful and sovereign our God is. This guy is old school; he says that for him, poverty and destitution were required in order to fully understand some of the principles of serving the Lord (or something like that...)

Also, as a young blind man, he dedicated himself to his studies like a rabid creature, something I wish I could do. He realized early on that there's no time to waste, that the grains of time are like precious diamonds slipping through the cracks of our hands. Man, I would read things like that and then think about how I still struggle with time management. -.-

Anyway, all of this reading about stuff has gotten me pumped up! But my brain can't seem to keep up with my heart, because as I shared, I've been in a slump trying to get back into the world of academia.

Bleh, that's where I stand as of now. I had actually gotten into my bed, prayed my pre-slumber prayers before I realized I didn't write. So now I shall return to the bed which cries out my name.

overnOUT

Thoughts [3.01.09]

1. God is the ultimate planner. So many times, I make my own plans and in my limited scope, I can't see that there's a better path/plan available. That's why it's so imperative to have faith in God, to hold everything loosely, and to trust that God knows what He's doing.

2. A lot of the times, I think I talk just because I want other people to know what I'm thinking, or because I think that they can benefit from what I'm thinking.

So, I'm gonna talk less. I always revered those people of few words who spoke sparsely but loaded with wisdom. I don't think I could do that, but I can decrease the sheer volume of my words by cutting out the self glorifying, needless talk that doesn't benefit anyone.

3. Related to talking less, I also want to learn how to be a better listener. So I'm going to try to listen more and be more interested in what people are saying and not be annoyed by them.

4. I wanna invest more in people. I'm bad at chipping away past the superficial, so it will be a worthy task of epic proportions.

overnOUT

Thoughts [2.28.09]

1. It's great to have dreams, but in a lot of cases our dreams live and die in our head. To actualize your dream, it's imperative to take that first step. They won't just become reality as you just sit there chilling. If we're serious about our dreams, we gotta get off our butts and go at it (Daida rule #1)

How amazing would it be if we lived in a world where everyone worked hard to achieve their dreams?

2. I am pumped. It's the season to be harder, better, faster, stronger in every area of our lives. We've been refreshed, so now we pursue more diligently than before. Let's do it. Just do it.

overnOUT

Makeup for [2.27.09]

I missed yesterday, so I'm writing this morning.

Yesterday was the day after Tampa and my parents picked me up. We ran into an unexpected friend and my parents insisted we have lunch with them, lol. fun fun.

I was sick so I slept the moment I came home, 5: 45 pm, till now, 9:03 am.
I will sleep some more perhaps. It was a bad idea writing a blog so early in the morning. I can't think fast or fully enough.

overnout.

Thoughts [2.26.09]

So. I've realized one thing: People are so eloquent in their blog writing
Maybe they are all gifted with a natural affinity for words or maybe I just don't think enough before I jot down my thoughts.

1. It is hard to love people. I stink at this. I am constantly reminded that Jesus' love was unconditional, simply meaning that no conditions dictated His love for us. I'm gonna try to be a more gentle, understanding person.

2. I've realized a little bit more of what the Transformasphere movement is about. I used to be the type of person who thought that the only way to truly serve God was by being a pastor/missionary.

But I think the idea behind Transformasphere is that we can work regular jobs with a missionary passion. NO, like really. To wake up, ready for your 9 to 5, realizing that this is literally your mission field. This isn't really new, but when you begin to actually understand the words rather than just hearing them, it makes a lot more sense.

3. I realized one thing FER SURE. So, reading, "What's so Amazing About Grace?" (Highly, highly recommended, just ask me for it), there's a line that talks about people who are "good in the worst sense of the word". You know, like those people who just try to fix other people, instead of trying to understand them. Or trying to fix other people so it makes things easier for you rather than truly having their best interest in mind.

I don't really know where to draw the line or find the balance. There has to be a time to confront, to offer advice, and to rebuke, but at the same time, there has to be some grace resembling that which Jesus offers us. You know, like the prodigal son or promiscuous woman examples. I have to constantly remind myself not to judge, because there are always things I don't know, things I assume.

aite, I hit 3 things, so: overnOUT

So I missed one, big woop [2.25.09]

Yesterday we played bball, went to an outlet mall, and chilled in Orlando.
Today we went to Universal Studios + Island of Adventure.
No laptops, therefore no blogging.

Topics for today: Pride & God's blessings

1. Pride is really hard to deal with. You know those situations, where you kinda sorta did something right and you want the whole world to know about it (or at least ONE other person) because you want the world to know how awesome you are? Well, I have those moments often.

Man! (that's right, I pulled out the exclamation point) It's so hard to keep it in! To be the only [mortal] one to know tears at the very fibers that are holding my lips together. Maybe that's what my significant other is for. Maybe it's not pride to share with her? Lol. If that's the case, she might be listening A LOT. hahaha.

To not long for acknowledgment is such an ideal quest. Yet it's what being a Christian requires, to live for His glory and acknowledgment, not mine. For someone who thirsts for attention and acknowledgment as much as I do, this is one aspect of what it means to die to oneself.

2. God sure knows how to time His blessings. To bless me at a time where I can better understand the gravity of the blessing, a time where I can be more grateful. And I have no reserves when it comes to blessings. I'm selfish, I'll suck at the blessing for everything it's worth. I also realized that when He is blessing me, it's my duty to make sure NOTHING gets in the way of me fully relishing and savoring His blessing. Not my circumstances, nor my pride.

And then the next course of action is to PTL and then pay it forward.

Thoughts [2.23.09]

I haven't been thinking while on SB, since most of my thoughts begin during a solitary down time, which hasn't happend. haha

Today we went to Busch Gardens, rode rides, and saw animals. Twas cool. It totally felt like summer.

Ok here goes some of the thoughts I had in reserve:

1. One of the cool quotes I heard in a sermon on our way to Toronto: "He does not call the equipped, but equips those who He calls". Lines like this one help to rid me of my anxiety, giving me confidence because of who He is, rather than because of who I am and what I can do.

2. Another quote that's applicable to my situation: "Don't count down the days, rather make them count". Amen. I have little over 4 months left. I want to make sure I live everyday I have to the fullest and with a purpose in mind. To not squander my time and opportunities, but make the best of both.

3. Outkast says: "You can plan a pretty picnic, but you can't predict the weather". How true. In the end, it always was and will be in God's hands. I can do my part, but there's that gigantic area that is not under my control. In those areas, I must have faith and flexibility, humility and dependence on Him.

Turned out to be more like, 3 quotes from other people, lol.

overnOUT

Thoughts [2.22.09]

Well, I'll unload 4 thoughts that have been pent up due to my lack of time.

I have more, but alas, no time. Here it goes, FIFO style: 

1. Spiritual growth is very similar to physical muscle growth. There need to be trials, pains, and hardships in order for us to develop our character, spiritual strength, and perseverance just like muscle needs those little tears in order to grow back stronger. 

How cool would it be if Frontline/sophomores viewed their struggles like that? Not like, "oh, it's inevitable sophomore slump, let's just try to survive", but rather by seeing that we will probably grow so radically during this time and that it's during these hardships that we need to thrive. If we could view our struggles in this new light, how powerful would that be?

2. We have only one life to live, and only one death to die. Why not strive for an eternal legacy? Why not live and die in some spectacular manner? To milk life for all that it is worth? Balanced, normal people don't make history. Only those slightly off kilter, crazy, passionate people shape history. Am I willing to do that? I guess I never wanted to settle for normal. sigh.

Death will come. Why not go out with a bang? Like a martyr? hehe, especially since there are no consequences for the way you die. Well, at least for the person that dies anyway...

3. Man. If there are people lifting up prayers for me, like friends, family and LG, then I should be honoring their prayers and trying to grow as much as possible. I feel like when I am not on that track, I am indirectly dishonoring the contributions they sow into my life. It's kinda like realizing that I am not my own any longer and that my actions carry an heavier weight. 

4. I used to have a prayer request to never grow up to be a grumpy old man. I think I need to bring that back. ^^

overnOUT

Too Tired.

Drained from the Canada trip.

Spent lots of time singing/sitting in the car.
Sight saw.
Ate some delish chinese food.
Saw a big tower and was reminded that I have a huge fear of heights.

I think I have a lot of thoughts.
Look forward to an outpouring of them later.

overnOUT

No Time For Words

IN LONDON (Canada...)
Went to Mexican Town in Detroit.
Ate, went back to AA, went to Wongsta's house and now in a layover in London, Canada.

overnOUT

No Time [2/19/09]

Free Bagel from Bert's: $0
Slice of Backroom Pizza: $1
NRB:$7.50
Exam Tomorrow @ 10 am: 11% of my grade.
Screaming my lungs out with friends: Priceless.

Lack thereof [2/18/09]

1. My nerves are getting frazzled. I keep forgetting things. Unimportant and important alike. Sigh.

2. I secretly like it when we go over time in Life group due to talking, even though it cuts into studying time.

3. Today I botched the lyrics to "Amazed" during praise time. I sang "you dance unaware" and then when I realized, I made a funny sound signalling my mistake. I opened my eyes and Wen was struggling to not laugh. I had to sing the rest of the song with a smile cuz I thought it was too funny. Haha

4. I'm getting lazier and lazier as spring break approaches.

5. My quads burn.

overnOUT

-------------------------------
Radical love, Radical lives: http://www.cnn.com/2009/LIVING/personal/02/19/survivor.extendedfamily/index.html

Thoughts (or lack thereof) [2/17/09]

Today was semi-packed and uneventful. I wasted lots of time (4 hoursish) today. That's a lot. sigh.

1. One thing I remember from Daida's class: Be careful to remember that you are not an A student rather, you are a student that tends to get A's. When we get these mixed up, it tends to undermine who we are. When we get our B's, C's, and lower, our identity crumbles and we are devastated. We are lost and confused, because we thought that we were straight A students!! What happens when we don't get A's?! We lose our identity!

That's why we gotta keep the correct perspective in mind. Gotta trudge on. We tend to get A's. sometimes we don't. It's all g. We are merely students, here to learn. B's, C's, and D's shouldn't crumble the core of our person. We don't like them, and we aim for A's, but it's not the end of the world.

1.5. I am a closet perfectionist.

2. Diggin this line right now:

Who am I, that the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love and watch me rise again.

Interesting God, eh?

overnOUT

Thoughts [2/16/09]

Lots today:

1. So, the year after I come back from Indonesia, what happens at Grad night? Do I join Remedy and bless Frontline? or do I receive a blessing that I am not qualified for? Sigh at minor sacrifices.

2. Spring Break: Maybe I'll write one thing I'm excited for everyday till we actually leave.
#1. Excited to read textbooks/do homework on the beach. Warm sunlight bathing me while I read about partial differential equations, nuclear cross sections, probability and expected values, and bad debt expenses. Fun.

3. It's easy to get bitter at God for things you don't have. But focusing on what you don't have, makes you forget to be grateful for everything you do have. I should stop focusing on myself so much and just focus on God.

4. I think one of my previous statuses was "Keep your head up". Today, I pressed play on iTunes and a song called, "God will lift your head up"came on. Awesome. Even when I can't lift "Keep my head up to the sky" God will do it for me. How great is our God?

5. If you don't wanna slip, avoid the ice. So why don't we avoid temptation if we don't wanna stumble?

6. I am whiny. I am spoiled. I guess I expect everything to come naturally/easy to me. I want to have a perfect singing voice. I want to be the pinnacle of athleticism. I want to have multiple other traits that stand out above the rest. But the funny thing is, I don't try. I don't practice. I don't do my part. I get frustrated when I find out that I'm not a prodigy in any of these areas (prodigy = overstatement. Maybe competent is a more realistic word).

I decided that I'm gonna stop whining about what I'm bad at and instead work to improve it. I suck at running. I suck at swimming. I suck at biking. I decided that one of my goals in life is to partake in a triathlon. I never ran under a 7 minute mile. I learned how to ride a bike in 10th grade from my younger brother. I've never learned how to swim. So, in order to achieve this life goal, I'll have to practice till I drop. Sounds about what I'm aiming for.

I mean, even people with naturally gifted abilities practice. Who do I think I am that I don't have to practice? So no more complaining about my inherent physical ineptitude. Rather, I'll work on it, participate in sports more. I'm gonna keep at it until I'm good or reach an insurmountable plateau.

My unwillingness to try initially is also linked to my fear of failure/self consciousness, but that's another post for another day. I'm jealous of people who can try without shame when they mess up. Or rather, those who don't care that they messed up and try again.

Ironically enough, I think this also links to the spiritual side of things (ironic because we don't usually equate physical to spiritual). Sometimes I'm frustrated because I'm not blessed with spiritual discipline, powerful prayers, and whatever other spiritual gifts/traits.

But just as before, I don't do my part to cultivate them. I don't take the time to build them up, little by little. So just like the top part, I'm gonna try to do my best to develop my spiritual side.

7. I purposefully left the long one for last so that you guys could just read the shorter ones first. Well, it was last till I wrote this one.

That was long. overnOUT

This is nonsense. Not worth reading

No real thoughts today, at least, none before I start racking my brain.

Today was busy: Woke up, study, get ready, church, work on stuff, church, dinner, study with very few minutes in between.

Just been mad busy these days? Just too tired/rushed to stop and think. Can't wait for Spring break so I can just...chillax with the fellas.

After Vday, I feel so reverse blessed. Reverse blessed:= Getting blessed in the process of/after blessing someone.

1. I think I have one thought. I realize that the lens with which I view myself is always: weakness, flaws, and shortcomings. I don't tend to view myself in a positive light. It's not that I have low self esteem, but rather that I realize constantly how I fall short/continue to fall short in multiple areas of my life. I try to reevaluate myself at the end of the day or after an event and I usually get to see some sort of deficiency on my end.

Sometimes it's tiring. Like, I want to just live in the ignorant bliss and convince myself that I don't have to know all of the intricacies of my human weakness. And at other times, God says, "I know you're messed up. I always knew that flaw that you only found out today". and it shows me of his redeeming love.

Unfortunately (?) because this is the lens in which I view myself, it's often the lens I view other people through. Not because I'm judging them, but because when I "put myself in their shoes" I analyze them just like I analyze myself. I think this often presents itself as condescending or self-righteous... and..maybe it is? I definitely don't consciously mean it like that, but that doesn't necessarily mean that it's not.

2. When I'm busy I search for time. When I have time, I search for things to do. Irony.

Thoughts [V-day]

V-day. Rhymes with D-Day. Coincidence? lol

1. I was really frustrated twice today. But it's ok. Because in the end it's all worth it.

2. I still need to get over myself. It's not all about me. It's not about me getting recognition. It's not about my glory. I should just go and die.

you know...die to myself. not like, suicidal. ^_________^V

3. I need to remind myself: It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.

I'm already unworthy to enter, best not put myself at a greater disadvantage lol..

overnOUT

Thoughts [2/13/09]

Sam has been working out too much.
His biceps imploded.
gg.

Thoughts [2/12/09]

1. What makes people fall away? Is it logic? Lack of empirical evidence? Loss of that first love feeling? The stagnation that will inevitably come? There's so many forces in this world which try to pull us away from faith. This is not unique to just Christianity. Isn't it weird how we can't hold a sustained fascination of amazing things? Everything seems to just...normalize after a while.

Just wondering, not judging. =.=;;

2. Something similar to thought 1 that I shared about how I would "forget" how great my God was. For me it's like my mother's cooking. She is an absolutely amazing cook, but once I came to college and was deprived of that cooking for a semester, I began to wonder. Was her cooking really that good? Was I imagining it? I mean, she was gonna come to Mich to feed my friends and I was doubtful, wondering if they would like it or not. I started to doubt it by saying that maybe I like it so much only because I grew up with it, because it was slowly ingrained into my taste buds. It's weird, when we're away from something for a while, we forget so easily.

3. Nineteen years has passed and I still don't think before I speak/type. I'm working on that. Even the stuff typed before this was just blurted out because I have to sleep soon. I should work on refining my thoughts, looking at the implications of my speech/words, and considering the impact on the reader/listener. I'm too slow in thought, but too rash in action. Perhaps this is one of the worst combinations.

4. Along with 3, I just need to stop talking about myself so much. Humility is not thinking less of oneself, but thinking of oneself less. Amen. I need that. This post isn't really helping. hahahahahha

overnOUT

Quick Thought

We're gonna dance, dance, dance in the freedom we know x3
Because the freedom we know is gonna last forever!!!

Just hit me: I can't dance. TT-TT

Thoughts [2/11/09]

1. We can't change this world without real sacrifice, meaning there's no easy solution. sigh.

2. I'm too tired to think and would rather hug my bed.

3. Makeup is an anglicized, colonized commodified utility that my sisters have been programmed to consume.

4. Payce.

overnOUT

____________________________________________

WAIT! after the initial writing, I realized I did have some thoughts or at least one...

1. I have a hard time being flexible. Physically and personality-wise (the former doesn't matter). I have a one track mind and I have trouble deviating from it to make room for different things that come up. Like at work, if I'm supposed to be scooping out the big pot and the cook tells me to open a can of something, I open the can only after I'm done scooping, and then I realize later that I was supposed to stop what I was doing and open the can.

Same thing with reading manga, walking to class, etc. I have trouble stopping and making small talk with acquaintances/friends on my way to class because my goal is to get to class and making small talk is a deviation from that goal. I'm working on this. To be more flexible, especially in the area of people. People/relationships with them are usually more important than the task at hand.

2. I think I'm OCD, ADD, and dsylexic to some non-trivial degree. >.<

Thoughts [2/10/09]

I'm not sure if I have many thoughts today.

1. Having faith is different from being ignorant about your beliefs. I guess I mean that blindly believing isn't a good thing. I feel like our beliefs have to have and strong logical support until logic is inapplicable and then faith helps us make that jump. Maybe? I guess I'm just saying that you should know what you believe in and why. I know it's obvious, but many times I will hit an dilemma but I'll just be too busy/tired to think about it so I'll just shove it to the back of my mind.

2. Paul Saunders is the best personal trainer ever. I've never had my upper body and lower body shake/tremble at the same time due to a work out.

3. I was "researching" for CAP and it felt like I was doing debate again, like printing out massive papers and then skimming through them to see if they have any supporting arguments/data that would prove helpful. Excited/way too nervous for Call and Response tomorrow.

4. God loves everyone. I still can't get over this.

Thoughts [2/09/09]

1. Amidst of all this CAP stuff, I find myself wrestling with a question. Isn't it weird that our comforts come from the discomforts of others?

In our case, we can buy nicer, cheaper clothes because poorer people are being exploited. As much as we don't want to face it, to alleviate the problem of poor labor conditions and pay, we must be willing to sacrifice the benefits we receive from their discomfort.

Are we willing to start paying more for our clothing, cars, basically everything that is imported/outsourced for manufacturing? I mean, the price of living would go through the roof! Would we be willing to rake in less profit from our investments in these big companies or receive less money as companies will try to cut costs in other areas? I mean think about it. In a communist world, where everyone is "equal" or at least not in horrid poverty and are held to similar standards, wouldn't everyone have less stuff? Are we, as Americans, willing to give up all the luxuries we are known for for the sake of those suffering halfway across the world?

It's a good question. Many times our minds know what to do, but our bodies don't follow (This week's sermon, anyone?). But in this case, our minds might know what to do, but they might not want to follow what they know is right, because it requires sacrificing comfort, something that only a few of us are willing to give up.

2. "In your freedom I will live, I offer devotion" I realized today that I'm not perfect. I mean, obviously, I'm not perfect, but I guess that there's just a dissatisfaction with not being perfect. Like, goshdarnit, I wanna be perfect! and perhaps I haven't come to terms with the fact that I will never be perfect no matter how hard I try and labor.

The reason that this relates to the starting quote is that if I am to offer my devotion, I can't devote myself to my own perfection (talking more about the physical/mental/giftings aspect here) and devote myself to God at the same time. I guess one of the freedoms that God offers me is that I am not perfect, but I don't have to be. I am as He made me and I guess I should be satisfied with that. To even believe that He made me for a reason. Weird, no? Got gives us weaknesses as well as strengths for a specific cause.

Thoughts [2.08.09]

Don't you think it's weird when you look back to who you used to be?

I just posted a Facebook note which shows one of my entries from 3 years ago today. It's like... MAD WEIRD.

Looking back is like just..ew? hahahah man.

I wish I had more time....to just chill...

Almost forgot, what else is new.

So I was saving my thoughts for a rainy day, but! since tonight was Ministry Appreciation night, I'll share with you my favorite worshipers and ministry teams:

1. Favorite Worshipper: Dominic: I don't mean to offend, but he's tone deaf. That being said he is the most passionate worshiper I know. I respect him, because I'm sure to some extent he knows that he's tone deaf, but that doesn't stop him from worshipping with all his heart and body. I wish I could have an ounce of the joy he must have. The sight of him worshipping often humbles me because I realize that I restrain myself too much because I fear the eyes of men and because I used to be too quick to judge.

2. Favorite Ministry Team: Facilities and Maintenance team. I feel that this team, above all, have a heart of servitude. I feel this way because they don't ever get recognition for their work. Like, creative worship, you see and hear them perform, and it's the same for worship team. Other teams, like docs/pubs/web/refreshments/VA, you see the product of their work and they receive their recognition in that way. Other teams, like hospitality team/finish line are just prevalent and present during the day/their event. But F&M team is almost 100% behind the scenes.

PLUS! they do the dirty work. Literally. But they never get the credit for it. I mean, very rarely do I acknowledge the priviledge of clean restrooms and empty trashcans, etc. They are the ultimate servants I feel. They work humbly and efficiently, with no complaints about doing the tough work that they do. Props to you F&M team.

Don't be offended if your ministry team wasn't listed/isn't my favorite, like P.Seth said, we ALL carry the cross TOGETHER. F&M just has a special place in my heart.

overnOUT

Thoughts [2/06/09]

1. So isn't it weird that love songs in general seem to apply to our love for God? Except for like, the sexual references and stuff... Lol. I was listening to "Accidentally in Love" and I was like, isn't our relationship with God like that? Aren't there some people who have come to meet God by a strange turn of events? Almost like..an accident? Most of us don't meet Him because we purposely and fully just sought after Him. I dunno, I thought it was clever. It was just what I needed to hear, "These lines of lightning mean we're never alone". Amen. My God made that lightning eh? hahaha

2. I thought it was funny because right before my exam, "Jude Law and a Semester Abroad" came on my music player. It's funny because one part of the song goes "Never gonna get it right, you're never gonna get it" like x 83983 times. Sigh. Irony.

3. Today, it felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I thought it was perhaps due to all the seeking I've been doing, asking God for peace. And then I realized that Cindy sent out a VIP email, telling our members to pray for the people who have midterms today (me). Coincidence? Maybe, but I thought it was worth mentioning. hahah

4. One of the Korean gospel songs I like has a line that goes, "부족한 입술로 찬양하게 하신 일" . Translates to something along the lines of, "the work of allowing us to praise Him with our unworthy lips". I love that kind of God. Our God who accepts worship and praise coming from those most unworthy and finds joy in it.

This seems like enough thoughts for tonight, I have some saved for a rainy day.

overnOUT

I cry every Tuesday/Thursday

cutting onions at work. lol

1. I'm really close to breaking down. It's soooooo demanding. Math classes which blow my mind, work that's a mental and physical strain, and the time drain of our church events. Problem is, I can't give any of them up. But I was so close to snapping after Mathematica wasn't working for me. Then I realized that I was the one who had made a stupid mistake LOL. Just today I wanted to quit work and now I wanna drop MATH 454. No benefit for quitting or dropping, except to temporarily lighten my load.

2. In light of [1] up there, I realized that I focus on my weakness/weariness/stressedout-ness, too much. I need to focus more on God and His glory, not focus on me and my weakness. I also am in desparate need of His peace. He promises me it and I'm trying to hold onto that with my last strength. Lol. Maybe God wants to make self sufficient me not so self sufficient.

3. It all leads to this. Suck it up and truck it through. Stop whining and complaining. God said He is more than enough for me. Then it is so. I will try to focus more on His glory then mine. His strength than my weakness. Ya get the point, no?

4. I realized I go through this pattern of a) realizing my weakness/flaw b) counting on God to redeem it/seeing how God is bigger than it/how much we need the big man upstairs.

overnOUT

Longest Life Group EVER! and i loved it.

I mean, I think it goes to prove exactly what we were talking about in LG. I would rather have LG end early and get a better grade on my hw,exam,etc. rather than talking or debating more about who God is and about our faiths. I mean isn't it great that I get to bounce ideas off my brothers and sisters to get a more complete understanding or grasp of God? But initially I felt like it was all just a hindrance. So wrong... When I feel or think like that, I think I really get to see myself for who I really am. I am someone who would like to invest more in his grades than his peers or his own faith. Tsk tsk, shameful am I.

Let's stop that.

Let's live for things more eternal, like peoples' souls and our relationship with God.
Lesson learned, time to apply (that's the hard part...)
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So more externally, I've had packed days/weeks lately. It's nice, but...stressful also. I need to find that peace that comes from God. Not the nice peace that other people can provide, but that perfect peace that comes only from Him. Nice, no?
_________________________________________________

So funny thing, a friend asked me, "why are we here?" and I started listing all kinds of answers like, because it's the step after college, to build skill sets for jobs/serving God, etc. And then he was like, "I mean like...Bachelors or Masters. I'm doing FAFSA".

-____________- ownt.

but! we should always consider our motives, so I guess I'm faced with the question again: "Why am I here?"


overnOUT

Thoughts [2/03/09]

1. How long can you wait? This question pops up during my prayers all the time. It's like,

Me: "Hey God, I trust that you'll provide me with someone, but just between you and me, what's the time frame for that?"
God: "How long do you think it'll be?"
Me: "Well, I could wait like...you know, till senior year at least."
God: "At least is right. Seriously, senior year?"
Me: "I guess I could wait like..five years, granted that you're gonna hook me up with the perfectest person."
God: "And if I said....seven years?"
Me: "O gosh, I guess..."
God: "Thirteen years?"
Me: "Thirteen?! that's like..when I'm THIRTY TWO!!"
God: "I'm well aware of that."
Me: "I mean, if you say so.. I guess....you're the BEST matchmaker right..?"
God: "And what if it's twenty years?"
Me: "....."
God: "Thirty five? Fifty?"
Me: ".....I mean...fine...I guess...whatever..."
God: "And if I say never?"
Me: "But God, that's like...I mean...I know it's a gift, bu-"
God: "Singlehood is a gift too, remember?"
Me: Sigh....

So my resolution is something like, live in the moment rather than living in expectancy. God's timing is God's timing, so I'll just wait till He says "It's time." Whether that's when I'm 22, 26, 32, 54, or 69, hahaha that's a crazy age, and especially if He says no, then I think it's better to be just living life contently in the now, rather than waiting for something that I don't know when I'm gonna get/never get.

BUT!! If you think about it, the crazy case would be if I waited for like 20+ years or whatever and then missed my chance. -____________________-;; That would just be sad...

Earnestly Recruiting: Humility Team

It's my new phrase that I thought up: Humility Team. hahahaha should be the fastest growing ministry team.

Today was awesome. So pleased with meeting my expectations for today. Now the hard part is replicating that forever.

I haven't lifted in a hot minute, but today I did ( I hope you laughed when I wrote "hot minute"). I feel like I'm starting all over again. Sigh.. o well.

I wanna continue being productive and focused.

Thoughts:

1. "To win you gotta come in last place": a line from "Get Down" by Audio Adrenaline. So true, so true. Isn't it funny how often we run so that we can get first place for ourselves? Well. at least for me... hahah

2. Fat squirrels make my day. They are funny and cute. I would like to have one.

overnOUT

Thoughts [2/01/09]

Start of a new month, start of a new week.
Let's see how this goes.

I realized that if I am going to minister to Muslims, my spiritual life must be disciplined to the max. Or else I'll perpetuate the stereotype that Christians are lazy (which I am). I gotta develop that passion and love that allows me to pray and read lots, even if it's five times a day.

We witness not only with words, but the heavy hitter is our lives. So, let's do this.
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I gotta stop being so forgetful and thoughtless. I keep forgetting things and events. This is not good. Must be more organized and focused. Or else these relentless classes/schedule will swallow me up.

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Call it Steeler's bandwagon or just being a little angry at the Cardinals because they beat the Eagles, but gj Steelers, was preetty sick play.

it's been a while but we need to bring back, AJA AJA FIGHTING!!!

p.s. last minute thought:
Gotta switch my state of mind. Not how far can I push this deadline, not how late can I put off doing things, but rather, how early can I finish them. Let's do this.

Thoughts [1/31/09]

Crap! I had a last minute thought while washing up.
But by the time I got to writing it down, I forgot.
Maybe next time...
______________________________________________________
1. Don't you hate it when that person who is below you in some way (age, grade, maturity, etc) says something in a condescending/self righteous way to you? Don't you feel like, wth? Do you know who you are and who I am? You think you can say something like that to me? Have you even thought about what you're saying? Do you know how underdeveloped you are compared to me?

I do sometimes (though the above part is exaggerated)...I hope you guys don't. Cuz it doesn't matter who says it, if what they're saying is right, then you gotta listen. Let's humble ourselves! It doesn't matter who says it, what manner they say it in, if what they're saying is right, then we gotta listen, no? Even if the person is hypocritical, immature, etc, it doesn' t make their words any less true. Something I've learned. Probably something I've said. haha

Just cuz I'm uber flawed doesn't mean that my words can't ring true sometimes. XD

2. Don't ask questions if you don't wanna know the answer. Sometimes we ask questions expecting and only ready to accept one answer. What's the point of asking the question then? Is it just a ritual of formality? I feel that it happens a lot when I pray. I find myself asking myself if I am willing to accept the answers God will give me.

Questions can be open ended or yes or no. Just be ready for the no.

Thoughts of the day [1/30/09]

Mad thoughts during opening worship. Those songs are money.

1. The Time has Come - The "Today, Today" part got me. That it's a daily struggle. That everyday I must consciously commit myself to Him. For me, it was like, "at least today I'll give you praise, but tomorrow? I don't know, I can't guarantee it". Probably not the aim of the song, but that's what hit me.

2. In This Place- "Troubles may surround me, my heart may fail, but you never will" Isn't that crazy? I mean, I think what I've been going through, especially my semi-breakdown this week is what I can to refer as to my heart failing. But even then, He won't fail me. He'll be there for me when I can't be there for myself. NICE.

3. So, if you know me, you know that I like to sing a lot. I didn't say good at singing, just sings a lot. hahaha. Anyways, we always say that worshiping isn't limited to praise time and almost anything and everything can be a worship. What would it be like if my life was worship? Like if my everyday life was as focused, desperate, joyful, and passionate as my praise is (It's focused, desperate, .... compared to the rest of my life)?

Yeah, weird.

overnOUT

Blessings Galore

So, Eunil and I made the invitations for the girls blessings today.
Required quite a bit of work.

But the irony is that I was the one that was blessed at our class prayer gathering.

Quick thoughts

1. When you finally realize that you're still a boy, it's then that you took the first step to becoming a man.

2. I haven't been able to fall asleep on time lately. Too many thoughts blow up my mind and it takes me like 20 minutes to fall asleep.

more later.

Yo's.

Aite.

Rash moment made me block everyone, but no fears. I'm back.

Ok seriously though, I have to get better with time management. Grr. Like I'm doing homework technically due tomorrow, tomorrow. -.-;; Yeah, major time crunch.

So I'm too flustered right now to think of anything, but! keep praying for me.

-Sam

Defeated but not Dead

Today was not a hot day. As in, it kinda sucked.

Not enough sleep + Caffeine crash + harsh news = sad, defeated Sam

But it's ok, cuz I'mma fighter. I'm like a lizard, I just regenerate.

Life's tough, suck it up.

overnOUT

Bowling for the first in a while

Went bowling in a while. Hit 145 on the warm up and it went all downhill from there.

MAJOR THANKS TO STACEY NUNA!!!

I realized that all the blessings that I receive, starting with all of the ones from freshman year, just remind me that as I get older, it's my turn to carry the torch and bless all those around me. Like I said earlier, I got to reap what I didn't sow and so I will sow what I will not reap.

anyway, that about sums up my day.

overnOUT

Thoughts of the day [1/25/09]

Rough Day, but here it is.

1. "You make everything glorious and I am Yours.What does that make me?" I think God has been helping me to see through his grace filled eyes. Yes, I can still be very critical about appearances. But recently, I think I've been able to see a glimpse of how everyone, EVERYONE, is beautiful in God's eyes. That nerd walking down the street, that kid with the weird mole, those people with braces, etc, etc. Everyone is beautiful in God's eyes. I hope to see more and more how everyone is beautiful.

2. It occurred to me today, "What if there's no hell?" What if, despite all of this emphasis on receiving JC as our savior, God just allows everyone into heaven? It seems like something God would do right? Like he did with Nineva, except in that case they all repented... -.-

I dunno, I was just thinking that it would be really surprising if in God's ULTIMATE love, he just ended up letting everyone in. I mean, we're all undeserving in the first place, so maybe it's not THAAAT far of a stretch. =X hopefully I didn't say anything blasphemous. lol

3. I want to be a humble intellectual. This is hard. Dumb people almost always annoy intellectual people. Sometimes I get frustrated when people can't see/understand things my way. Not saying I'm smart...I guess I just wanna be humble ^______^V

4. I feel that a lot of the time, intellectuals and scientists don't accept any of our faith because science says that things don't work like that. Like, evolution disproves creationism. Or the water to wine. Or all these other miracles.

I think they miss the point that God is not bound by logic or the laws of nature. My English teacher once said was that religion, by definition, was irrational. And I think that puts it well. Yes, scientifically, water can't be instantly turned into wine, but the thing is, our God is not bound by science. I know, I know, in an actual argument, this just sounds like a cop out/easy way out. But it's the truth. You can't argue God with logic or science, because He is confined by neither.

Hopefully my thoughts are not that discombobulated. It's a definite possibility since it's late.

overnOUT

ME.

Sometimes I'm really envious and greedy.

I want to sing better.
I want to be more artistic.
I want to have a regular jaw -.-;;
I want more.

More for myself.
More for my fame.
More, so that I can be the one wowing people.
More for my own glory.

Shame shame shame shame on me.

I need to learn to be gracious.
Learn to thank God.
Learn to treasure the gifts and blessings that I am fortunate enough to have received.
Learn to rejoice in all that He's given me.

I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

I think I have this jaw, honestly, as an anchor for my pride. To make sure that I don't get too full of myself. In that case, it might be the most precious asset that I have.

To God be the glory.

이 약한자를...Thoughts of the day [1/23/09]

1. I know we love to place our academics above God, or if not love, we tend to. But if God says to sacrifice my GPA, shouldn't I do so willingly? Trusting that he has everything planned out for me/has even better plans for me (even with a lower GPA)?

2. You Alone Are God has a line that goes, "Let the world I know be the glory of your grace".
How amazing would that be if what we saw in this world was the epitome of grace? How crazy would it be if this world would bring glory to God because it was defined and characterized by grace? simply sick.

3. Getting prayed over is powerful. Specially when you don't ask for it/it's not a planned event.

4. Gotta start working on spiritual muscle more than physical muscle. Still need to make time for both.

May God help us lead counter-natural lives.

Overwhelmed.

Man, like my previous entry said, there's barely time for a breather these days. School + Church + Work are a lot on my plate and it's getting a little too heavy.

Classes are picking up and the material is pretty dense and difficult to understand.

I can't seem to do anything right at work. She told me that "forget a lot". But honestly, I think I'm just being prideful. I really do need to get better at what I'm doing. Just wish she would give me more time/patience. *complain complain*

NOTE TO SELF: Resolve to stop complaining.

Despite this, they tell me I have 166 days. I can't let this stuff hinder me, can't let it get in the way. Must embrace them and make them mine.

The art of the soul is lost to the mind
is what you'll find when you can't define,
with reason nor rhyme,
the light that shines
on your face and mine.

Thought: I wanna get jaw surgery, shave my head, get scratches in my eyebrows, get jacked, wear a wife beater and walk around in sunglasses frightening people. Yeah, I need to grow up.

Just a short entry I wanted to jot down.

So Jam Packed.

Oh man, it's been so jam packed lately. I have homework due everyday and I've been working like 3 hours everyday, so there's been absolutely no time. So. First off, I have to schedule my time around God, cuz there's no other way he's gonna fit.

I guess just some things we talked about life group that I would like to share:

1. We limit God: Our prayers, our faith, our openness. God has already poured himself out unto us, but we fail to open the hatch of our hearts to let that stuff get in.

2. Awakening: 21 days of prayer has helped me to pray more powerful prayers and has helped to slowly develop a mindset of constant mode of prayer.

3. I want to integrate God into my life more. He shouldn't be confined to just my QT time or church time. He should have continuous access to my heart all the time.

4. Serving. It sucks sometimes, because there's sacrifice involved. But! it's that exact same type of sacrifice sowed in by other people before me that allow me to receive the blessings I have. Truly, we reap what we do not sow, and we should sow what we will not reap.

Songs that have resonated within my heart (You should check em out):
-Give me your eyes (Brandon Heath)
-Empty Me (Chris Sligh)
-The Blessing (John Waller)

Thoughts[Fri-Mon]

It's not like I stopped thinking during the retreat, so here we go.

I wonder sometimes people refer to the cross as the "tree". Is it just an artistic way of saying it? Or perhaps there is some symbolism involved? A tree is living, a cross is dead. Maybe it signifies that just as the tree is a living thing, Christ's death for us is in a way living. It pays for every time you sin. It's not a stagnant forgiveness and cleansing, but one that is activated in the present, with every mistake we make.

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The men of faith:

Abraham: Simply crazy. God says go and he just packs up his bags. How is this possible, who in their right minds would do something like this. With no destination and just a command he leaves the home of his forefathers. He also believes against all physical possibilities and believes that somehow Sarah, with her old and dusty ovaries, will bear him a child.

Noah: Starts building a huge ark at the command of God, probably on a nice sunny day. Can you imagine the faith necessary to stand in the face of humiliation and believe that God is right, even if there is no sign of what God spoke of? I mean, I would have at least lied and said I was an artist and the ark was my creative creation.

Moses: This guy leaves the good life of royalty to side with the slaves. Ends up being a shepherd for a number of years and then is called by God to carry out his plan. This guy isn't as crazy, because he knows what God is saying is ridiculous and because he doubts, i.e. is normal. Then again, he believes in God enough to allow God to work through him to split open a sea.
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It's amazing how different HMCC is from a traditional Korean church. I feel that the downfall of the Korean churches are their pride. The members are so stubborn and prideful. They make it almost impossible for the pastor to preach about real humility. They don't leave any room for rebuke. The pastor is unable to say what he needs to say, sometimes because the members may have been there for longer than he has or because they are older than he.

I think HMCC is amazing because the members make it amazing. There's a sense of real yearning to grow, even at the expense of ourselves. Or perhaps it's just because pride hasn't rooted itself in our hearts as much as these old people. Pastor Seth says what he needs to say, what the members need to hear, because the most of the members are humble enough to listen.
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Isn't it funny that the saying is "Love makes the world go around" or "What the world needs now is love, sweet love"? Ironic to me, because these sayings may leave no room for God to the atheists, whereas to me, it's synonymous to God. God is love for us Christians, right? It's funny that it's not, Justice makes the world go around, or Money, Comfort, Fame, Honesty, Strength, etc. All of these things, some good, some not so good, might be worthy of the title and yet we pick love.

Does this show the inherent human longing for love? For the true, unaltered, unfiltered love? for....God? I think it might. and I think it's ironic that justice is nothing in light of God.

In some sense, there is no room for justice in God's world. If it were so, we would pay the price of our sins. But, because of Jesus' death/resurrection, we don't pay for the consequences of sin, rather only the consequences of our actions. Hopefully, you guys can understand the nuance here. For example, you make an action. Depending on whether that action is a sin or not, there is a consequence. But there's also the consequence of the action itself, which doesn't really depend on if it was a sin or not.