Thoughts [3.05.09]

1. Usually, whenever I get to prayer gathering I'm tired. I trudge in, hoping that God will somehow refill me. Kinda like Abbie said, I tend to reflect on my weaknesses, shortcomings, and tiredness. Yeah, I kinda look up in search for rest and strength, but that's about it. Funny thing is, I usually walk out relaxed, empowered, and inspired.

I love prayer gatherings. Too bad I don't remember His faithfulness on a regular basis. Let's try harder.

2. I realized during prayer gathering that I tend to judge who is worthy of the gospel. Actually, it's more like, I judge to see if it's worth sharing the gospel with certain people. I look at them and determine that they have an extremely low chance of accepting it, so I don't even try.

Like with my party friends, I don't share. Why? Cuz inherently I think that the joy God provides is less than the shallow pleasure provided by partying. I don't think that my friends would give it up in order to live a "boring, upright life".

I don't share with my smart friends. Why? Cuz I think that they're too intellectual and that they'll tend to scientifically and logically dissect God and walk away unconvinced. I don't think that they would give in to an "irrational, faith-based life".

Is my gospel really that bland? Is it really that unworthy? Is it really that exclusive and limited?
I was humbled as I realized that I'm just here to sow the seeds, to throw them as wide and far as I can without discrimination. God will cultivate them as He sees fit. Who am I to judge what soil is good or bad? I will stop playing God. I cannot pick and choose.

3. Something else I was humbled by was my attitude towards those who I call my "brothers" and "sisters". It's awful how we have this bystander mentality. We just watch and do nothing as those around us struggle or fall away. I don't know whether it's selfishness or apathy or what it is, but it is not who God wants us to be. It's not what we say; we pray all the time that we would be united and journey on this narrow path together. But our actions speak so differently.

In our classes or in our life groups. The fringe members who fall away. The friend that's going through tough times (do I even deserve to call myself a friend?). We just watch. What the eff is wrong with us? wrong with me...

Let's take a stand.

4. Last two entries add up to this:

Realization. Repentance. Redirection. Redemption.

I have seen my mistakes. I put them at the cross. I will change my attitude and actions. The rest is up to God.

overnOUT