Retreat Update

The retreat was amazing.
This fast is amazing.
God is amazing.
I love Him.

The first night we talked about "willingly confessing our sins so that we may experience the joy of being forgiven". It's funny because part of the sermon goes hand in hand with what I've been learning about recently. How I don't even know the depths of my soul and that only God knows.
"Search me, O Lord, and know my heart". It's a verse I've been clinging to these days. It's because I think I know me. I think I know the breadth of how dastardly I can be. But the truth is, I don't. I don't even know myself as well as God does. So confessed our sins to one another and mine is this.

I still live to glorify my own name.

How crazy is that. But unfortunately, it's true. The little actions in my everyday life point to that conclusion. Which is why I've come to another conclusion.

Even the little itty bitty parts of our lives must be put before God.

Why? Because he demands ALL of us. Our WHOLE being. If we keep even the smallest parts of ourselves to ourselves, it's not going to work.

And after confessing so to my brother on the left, I felt it. See, most of the time, during praise, everyone has that desperate face. The one that is seeking Him with all the might they can muster. But, that day, for some reason, I couldn't help but to have this content smile on my face. And the song wasn't those fun, happy songs either. I felt like, as wretched as I was and always would be, God is and always will be embracing me in his arms of grace.

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The second sermon was about faith. It was about how "we must hear, come, & touch Jesus by faith". The question was, are we just part of that crowd around Jesus, jostling and touching up against him, or are we the desperate lady, who is actually able to connect with Him in all that chaos. I realized something pretty cool, or maybe I've just been oblivious before.

With faith as small as a mustard seed, God can move mountains.

I guess, up until now, I thought of it like, "If I have this kind of faith, I can move mountains". I didn't think, "even if I offer up this tiny, unworthy, flawed piece of faith, God is so powerful that he can use it to move mountains". Something that I thought was quoteworthy was "To have great faith, you need a great God".

And of course, the greatest barrier to faith is pride, i.e. my biggest problem.

So Lord, help me to be more like this desperate woman. The one thing I find amazing about her, is that she broke away/went against the culture/the expected, required path and she abandoned it all for Jesus. I wish I could something as such. To go against the traditionally drawn bounds of this world and do exactly what Jesus calls me to do, even if the world tells me I'm not supposed to.

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Third sermon was about how "we must lavish our love on God".
It talks about how our love must surrender and offering. To me, the epitome of this is the Macedonian churches that Peter talks about in 2 Cor. 8. It was said of these churches that "out of the most severe trial, their overflowing joy and their extreme poverty welled up in rich generosity. For I testify that they gave as must as they were able AND EVEN BEYOND THEIR ABILITY"

Wow. What does that even look like? I want to be someone like that.

Also we talked about how every opportunity is a unique moment in time that can never be replayed again. Therefore we seize every opportunity with the best of our abilities so that we may be like Mary and WASTE our lives to worship Jesus.

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Last one. We must live in expectancy, as everyday is a day closer to Jesus' return/our death. Also, what I got out of this was that I must love till it hurts. period. oh, and that we must use our gifts that God has given us. The gifts and blessings God has given us are like the mina that the master gave the servants.

When Jesus comes back and asks me, "What have you done with ALLLL of the blessings and gifts that I have given you?" how will I answer?
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Through the 21 days of fasting, I can already feel God working in my life. My prayers seem so real, so sharp. It feels like some sort of spiritual steroid was injected into them. Haha.

Finally, I realized, that I'm not content with the relationships I have in church. I want them to be more, something greater than what the world can offer me. I have great friends, but what I want is a relationship built on Christ. The blame and responsibility falls on me. It's my fault for staying passive, for wanting an easy comfortable friendship. But that, any social club/gathering can provide me. But I think we need something deeper, something greater. To a point, where I can freely, honestly, and meaningfully call them brothers.